Procrastination or Anxiety?

My approach to writing has been much like my approach to making phone calls. Which is to say, these are the few areas in my life in which I procrastinate. Typically, if something is on my agenda, I’ll get right to it. Otherwise it’s an albatross around my neck. Or a bandaid that needs to come off. So I take matters into my own hands and rip the sucker off quick. Sure, it’s painful or annoying in the moment, but then it’s over. I can get back to things I enjoy.

That’s my approach to things I don’t enjoy, like going to the doctor. Or grocery shopping. Or writing a research paper in college. But when it comes to writing for my own pleasure, like this blog? I put it off. And it’s not for lack of ideas – topics crop up and I’ll make a mental note or even a physical note for later when I think I’ll be motivated to write. Except that time rarely comes. 

The same thing happens when I plan on catching up with someone via phone. If it’s planned in advance, that somehow makes my anticipation worse. Even with close friends and family. I don’t know why, but the anxiety builds and I lose my nerve. I feel like I need to carry the conversation and the pressure gets to me before I even pick up the phone. So I make a lame excuse and stave off the phone call, only to restart the process. 

Power Through

You’d think based on this that I don’t enjoy writing or catching up with loved ones. (I’d make the same assumption.) But speaking on my behalf, I know for a fact these things always feel good in the process. Afterwards, I’m happy I followed through. I’ve never regretted writing, even if it’s not something I’d share with others. I’ve never hung up the phone and wished I hadn’t talked to a friend or family member. So with all this positive reinforcement, why do I drag my feet? 

I have theories, but no real answers. When I’m writing, I stare at my own words reflected back at me. I know it’s not going to be the next great American novel, but I also don’t want to embarrass myself. A similar feeling occurs when I’m on the phone. The desire to have a “successful” conversation and sound like a “normal” human on the other end of the phone causes me to overthink what I say before its even begun. 

Right now, for instance. I knew earlier today that I’d like to write but I also granted myself permission to stave off if I wasn’t feeling it. Did I know what I wanted to write? Nope; all the ideas I wrote down or had percolating in my head didn’t interest me enough to follow through. But, I opened up my writing processor and took a stab at it. And here we are. 

Practice Makes Proficient

It’s not painful to write, it really isn’t. I like the accomplishment of having produced something, of vanquishing my inner voice that says it’s not worthwhile. Which, hey, maybe it isn’t today per se, but at least I tried. And much like I tell my children, the more I practice the more confident I feel. Then the next time I hesitate to write, I look back on all the other times I didn’t feel like writing and did it anyway. Sometimes, dare I say, I even like the result!

My hope is that, much like my excitement for physical fitness slowly built over time, my passion for writing perseveres. It will feel less like an obligation and more like a joy. And knowing myself as well as I do, I know I’ll fall more easily into a rhythm when I commit to practicing for the sake of proficiency instead of perfection. 

Granted, this may not be my best post ever. But it’s enough. I showed up.