Burn Out

My writing has stalled significantly this year. On the bright side, it’s not for lack of ideas. Fully developed sentences run through my mind but I neglect to put them in black and white. I tell myself I’ll remember it to write down later, knowing in the moment it’s wishful thinking. 

If I get time alone, the last thing I want to do is work on my writing. I want to zone out and do external things, like puzzles, reading, or exercise. Tuning in to my inner self, committing words to a page, it’s too much focus. I can’t multitask (although rumor has it no one can) while writing. But I can play Words with Friends on my phone while listening to the Real Housewives go after each other. 

Which is exactly what I needed last week, my first day to myself in a long time. I had seven hours before me and thought it would solve all my problems. I’d be a new woman. And I was, until about five minutes after the boys came home from school. Then my highly sensitive nervous system kicked into overdrive and became overwhelmed by the chaos. 

After work, Arthur could tell I was feeling overstimulated.  I started to beat myself up over how I shouldn’t be that affected by the kids already; after all, I had a day alone to reset.  “You can’t expect one day to erase burnout,” he pointed out. Until then, I hadn’t even considered myself burnt out. But now that he mentioned it…

Justified

Of course my husband was right – that’s what I’ve been. Burnt out. Beyond fried. Crispy around the edges. Maybe not to the point I was in the midst of lockdown during the first year of the pandemic, but significantly more than I’d like to be. Unlike earlier in the year, when I had a slew of reasons to point to for being exhausted and emotionally spent, the last few months have been relatively tame. What do I have to be strung out about?

But that’s part of the problem – you don’t need reasons to be burnt out. You can just be burnt out, full stop. There’s no timetable to recover from an ongoing pandemic. Or mourning the loss of an estranged parent. Raising decent human beings who use their privilege for good will be a lifelong mission, so that stress isn’t going anywhere. When you consider we’re all living in a world on the brink of an apocalypse, it’s a miracle anyone gets out of bed. 

So on World Mental Health day, allow me to remind you that it’s okay to not be okay. You don’t need an excuse. All you need to do is acknowledge to yourself that it’s been a rough one, indulge in one thing that makes you feel better, and get some rest when you can. Know that you’re not alone. And as one of my favorite writers, Glennon Doyle, says, remember that we can do hard things. Even if it’s just getting through the evening with two rambunctious grade schoolers whom you love more than anything but also drive you nuts with their energy and loud voices.