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Stay-At-Home Momming
As a stay-at-home mom, there are days I feel like I’m not earning my keep. Days that are relatively easy, especially now that my sons are in elementary school. I spend a morning after drop off going for a run, meeting a friend for a walk, or watching the latest episode of Bravo TV’s Real Housewives. In those moments, I inhabit the cliché of eating bonbons on the couch.
And I can’t even say I’m enriching my mind with the wisdom of Oprah and her well-meaning, self-help gurus. (In my defense, she went off the air before I became a parent.) Instead, I’m watching women be catty and spending money like it grows on trees. Observing this manufactured reality with both disgust and a curious lust for that lifestyle, I bask in the definition of guilty pleasure while my husband works hard to provide for our family.
Then there are other days, more often during summer break or random days off school, that I know I’m staying out of the workforce for a reason. I’m on call from the moment I wake up to when the boys are finally penned in their bedroom for the evening. Ferrying them from doctor’s appointments to piano lessons to play dates, whilst grocery shopping, walking the dogs, folding laundry, and remembering to buy a present for so-and-so’s birthday. Those days, I wonder how moms who work for a paycheck keep their sanity.
Mom Guilt
The guilt is a mind fuck plaguing moms everywhere, whether or not they stay at home. Whether moms have to work in order to support their family financially. Or they choose to work because the thought of staying home with their kids drives them to the office. (I’ve had more than a few moms sheepishly admit this to me over the years, and there is no shame in that – I get it.) Then there are the moms who logistically have to stay home because their paycheck wouldn’t cover the cost of childcare, which is how I initially got onto the SAHM track.
When the boys were in the newborn, toddler, and preschool age, my guilt was kept at bay. Any spare moment not committed to childcare was my time. I’d rather clean the house, food prep, or do laundry while the boys were conscious and tugging at my metaphorical apron strings than sacrifice a minute of nap time to chores. In the trenches around the clock, I had the lifeblood sucked out of me, so there was no time for guilt. Those precious free moments were mine, and I safeguarded them from guilt like Smaug hoarding gold.
Sanity Is Sacred
My downtime made me a better mother and wife, and I advise the same to any new parent who asks for advice. (The fact that my opinion on anything is sought out boggles my mind, but on something as personal and precious as parenthood? I’m humbled.) You don’t need to sacrifice all of yourself to the altar of parenthood – just most of it! I jest, but seriously, I think being a martyr caregiver leads to resentment, whether it’s of your child or your partner. Risk it at your family’s peril.
Now that my boys are firmly in the elementary school stage of childhood, though, I’m finding it uncomfortable to be a stay-at-home mom. Not because I don’t love it, I do. Having a front row seat to my kids childhood and being their constant caretaker is my dream job. Even when they make incessant fart and poop jokes and make our house feel like a Wrestle Mania venue.
Who’s Judging Who
As my husband gently reminded me upon reading the first draft of this post, I’m able to do it with help of a super supportive spouse (financially, mentally, physically, etc.). The guilt isn’t coming from the one adult outside of myself who matters in this equation, which is no small thing. I’m extremely privileged to be in the position I’m in, so please don’t think that’s lost on me.
But because telling other adults I stay at home when my kids are clearly at an age where I could dip my toe back into the workforce, even on a part-time basis, feels somewhat embarrassing. I judge myself before they can judge me. I imagine what they must be thinking behind their smiles and head nods. “What does she do all day?” “Must be nice to be a kept woman.” “Why doesn’t she go back to work yet?”
The guilt intensifies when I consider the state of my home. I imagine what it would look like to outsiders who think I use all my free time to keep house and organize kids’ clutter. Our home looks lived in and probably smells like dog. Could I spend more time deep cleaning grout and dusting furniture? Definitely. Will I? Most definitely not, because it will make no difference to anyone actually living in the space.
Live and Let Live
Which is the solace I rest my guilt on, these days. And as I remind myself, no one cares as much as I do. Other people are the main characters in their own lives, probably worrying about what I think of their choices. Or maybe not. Perhaps they’re fully actualized beings who couldn’t care less about other’s opinions on how they live. 1(If you are one of those lucky people, please advise. I’d love to bottle up that magic and make millions. Maybe even audition for the Real Housewives!)
So my home remains lived in, I take advantage of my alone time, and I treasure the time with my sons while they’re under our roof. The guilt remains, and probably will, even if I pivoted back into the workforce. If that’s the price I pay to be a stay-at-home mom on my terms, then so be it.
Now let me get back to my bonbons and Bravo TV.
3 comments on “Stay-At-Home Momming”
First off, I’m thrilled that you’re blogging again! Second, my knee-jerk response to this: “Those days, I wonder how moms who work for a paycheck keep their sanity.” was “Oh, we do not at all, I can assure you.” At least, my sanity’s been hanging on by a thread for a good 7.5 years now! If any other paycheck-receiving moms have found the magic formula, I wish they’d share!
Your post touched my heart. I’ve always had to live with the guilt of being a working mom, missing out on school events and just plain silly fun time when the kids were little.
I’m learning that the mom guilt hits all mothers, regardless of whether they stay at home or work outside it. It feels like a loss either way.