The Language of Love

Finishing my most recent read, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman, on what is my 11^th wedding anniversary seems apt. Not because my husband and I need help keeping our marriage going, but because it confirms all the things we do well in our relationship. It takes trial and error to learn how to communicate effectively. And like with everything in life, it evolves with time. But I can say with confidence that Arthur and I have found what works. Even when we disagree or fight, we repair with respect and love.

So what sparked my interested in reading this particular tome if we’re so happily in love after 16 years together? Andrea Savage’s semi-autobiographical TV series, I’m Sorry, references it.  Towards the end of the second season, Andrea picks the book up on recommendation from a friend. It got me curious about the concept after hearing whispers of it for years. 

Ready to Learn

I figured it would be readily available at the library, considering it was first published in 1992. So I pulled up my Libby app hoping to get the ebook sent to my Kindle toute de suite. The Chicago Public Library works with OverDrive to let card holders borrow ebooks from your local branch via Libby. It allows me to use the perks of the library without having to physically check out the book.

The Libby app gives me a work around for my anxiety around library books. Yes, it’s weird, and maybe I’ll address it in a future post. All I’ll say now is that I once checked out a book and the pages were plastered with dried boogers and blood.

ANYWAY. Almost three decades after being published, the book is popular enough I had to wait a week or so to borrow it. I’m happy to report it was worth the short wait. 

In a Nutshell

Dr. Chapman has a background in anthropology. By observing and analyzing human behavior, he developed his theory on love languages. The five referenced in the title are words of affirmation, quality time, gift giving, acts of service, and physical touch. Each language gets its own chapter so readers can understand more about what they entail and anecdotes about couples learning how to speak it. 

He suggests that we all have a primary and secondary love language, although all of them make appearances in relationships. If we learn how to communicate our preferences with our partner and make an effort to show them we know theirs, couples can improve their relationship. In some cases, even bring them back from the brink of breaking up.  

Do Unto Others How They Do to You

Overall, I found a lot of value in this theory based on my experiences. Earlier in our marriage, I would show Arthur love in the way I like to be shown love and vice versa. “Do unto others” and all that. I’d be disappointed when he reacted less than ecstatic at my ideas for quality time, whether it be playing “Would You Rather” or going on a roadtrip. He’d feel dejected when I responded less than thrilled at his bids for physical touch, from spontaneous hugs to impromptu butt pats. 

Our primary languages are not the same. Luckily for us, our secondary language is: acts of service. We both delight in doing chores or errands for each other and having each other reciprocate. This is our in! We know how much we appreciate this language because we are effusive in our praise, or words of affirmation.

By observing each other’s efforts at expressing love, Arthur and I learned each other’s love language. Kind of a reverse-engineering, if you will. Some days it’s easier than others to express them, but we make an effort because we love the other so much. And seeing your partner do something just because they know you appreciate it inspires you to do the same for them. 

You Get What You Give

Some of the ideas expressed by Dr. Chapman made me uncomfortable. This book talks about love languages strictly in the bounds of marriage. While marriage is something I find value in, it’s not for everyone. Learning more about the author’s religious background, it makes more sense why he focuses so much on the institution of marriage. But I think these bids for connection and expressions of love apply to any relationship between two consenting people. 

While reading, it struck me that these ideas have a universal appeal. You could show appreciation and love to your child, friend, or parent by figuring out their love language. Why is it limited to just couples? Apparently, others agreed, because it’s now a whole series of books. Couples, singles, children, teens, military families. Everyone can learn how to apply the love languages to their relationships. 

The first few chapters explore what happens to relationships after weddings and the euphoria of falling in love wears out. The initial stages of love hold a certain je ne sais quoi that can’t be replicated once you get into the meat of a relationship. Helen Fisher’s book, Why We Love, is an interesting and worthwhile read of the scientific aspects of falling in love. 

I bristled at the initial notion Chapman suggests that being “in love” only lasts for two years, at most. It wasn’t until I got to the section From “In Love” to Real Love” that I bought into the idea. To be in love is a “temporary emotional high,” according to the author. A cocktail of hormones and emotions. What happens after this stage wears down is real love, a connection between two people that “recognizes the need for personal growth.”

Choose Your Choice

Love becomes a choice once the obsessional stage of relationships erodes. For some couples, the choice becomes harder as time goes on. Communication breaks down. Reality intrudes.

Relationships have seasons, some brighter and warmer than others. Store the information you glean from your partner during those sunny times, learn about what makes them feel loved. In the dim and colder times, tap into your reserve and make the effort to speak their preferred language.

You’ll know you chose the right person when they do the same for you.