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I’ve been avoiding writing lately, even though ideas spring to mind unbidden. Stories I read or shows I watched inspired me when I was growing up. Then prompts from professors in college lent themselves to my creativity. Now, as an adult with a fully formed frontal lobe, my own life and stories I’ve lived have encouraged my ideas.
But I’m afraid to harness that energy and put it into words on a page. A germ of an idea sprouts, one I’m excited about and think has potential, and a part of me wants to start writing that very moment so as to capture it before it goes away. Another part of me thinks if it’s really great, it’ll wait until I intentionally sit down to write. Except I rarely schedule that time.
Today on my walk while listening to the We Can Do Hard Things podcast, Abby Wambach talked about how she was an “exterior adventurer” because she’d been afraid to go inward. To examine the inner workings of herself and how she operates in the world. Meanwhile, all I do is internal adventuring. Talking about feelings and emotions and why we are who we are and do what we do is my idea of a good time. So why can’t I put those down into tangible words?
Dear reader, I’m embarrassed to admit this, but it wasn’t until listening to Abby’s confession that I realized I have been afraid of my own ideas. I don’t trust myself to have ideas worth expressing. Which is why I avoid writing them down – so I don’t have to commit to or take ownership over my thoughts. If they’re just in my head, they’re not real. If I don’t act on them, then I have plausible deniability.
As I’m writing this, it’s dawning on me that ideas are akin to feelings. They’re not facts. You get to choose how to respond. But by denying them or labeling them as good or bad, I’m not being honest with myself or giving them a chance to tell me something about what’s going on internally.
Instead of batting that idea away, like I typically would, or making excuses about not having the proper conditions to write about it, which is my back-up, I pulled out my laptop and decided to write it out. See where it goes.
Even though the kids are bouncing around with the energy of a thousand suns.
Despite that I needed to take breaks to make a grilled cheese for the youngest. And another to explain to the eldest we can play in the snow once there’s more than a quarter inch of it on the ground.
So, rather than sit on this for a few days, tinkering with it, scrapping it entirely, or rewriting it to sound “better,” I’m going to upload it.
And hit publish before I can change my mind.
Because writing this was my idea, and I’m proud of it.
(I think. Check back in a couple days to see if it’s still posted.)
1 comment
It is a brave thing to jump from the journal mindset, get it down on paper, to the sharing mindset where others read your ideas. Also bravo to the image–kids bouncing around with the energy of a thousand suns.